Final Chapter

Wow! I cannot believe the summer in DC has come to an end. There are so many areas of our lives that have been affected by this one summer, and now it is time to take these lessons back home with us. For the longest I knew I was not alone in being a person with a disability, but I felt lost on how to accept what it meant to me- Keri Gray. I felt I didn’t have an example or people to talk to who have struggled with the things I’ve struggled with. That left me to figure things out on my own, which I was doing in a slower pace than necessary and with many relapses.

Then the opportunity to work in DC happened. Over the course of the summer I interacted with people who have such passion in obtaining equal rights for all. They visibly showed their scars as marks of beauty, and that’s all I desired to do. I gained strength and motivation this summer to never hide. Further, a gained doorway into a community that will always support me in direction I have taken in life. AAPD and Capitol Hill connected me to two communities that built on me personally and professionally, and I am forever grateful.

So what’s next for me? This will be my senior year in my undergraduate study at Abilene Christian University. I am very excited to graduate in May 2012 with B.A.’s in Political Science and Communications with a minor in Public Service. I am as well preparing to take the LSAT and apply to law school in the DC and Texas area. I am excited for all our futures! Though it is the final chapter of this summer, it is the beginning of a connection with many many people. I am excited to say I feel a part of the disability community, and hope to give back as much as they have graciously given me!

Fighting Insecurities

People first! The other day I had an encounter with someone who means a lot in my life. It showed me how far I have come, and just how much further I had to go.

I was very casually dressed in an over-sized t-shirt and some shorts doing some work on my laptop. I felt very comfortable and I knew nothing was about to disturb me because it was one of those day when I was casually laying in the bed doing some work with my prosthesis off laying in a corner. Until all of sudden there was a knock on my door. Absentminded, thinking it was one of my roommates I called out “come in.” However, it was not one of my roommates…it was someone who means a lot to me in my life, and yet has not seen this side of me. He glances over and see’s my prosthetic limb, and then comes straight over and begins telling me about his day like any other time. Yet, as he talks my mind is spinning of insecure thoughts. What does he think? This isn’t normal? He’s curious? He wants to ask me about my leg? Is he going to think its weird? Yet through those questions I knew I was okay. After calming myself down I was good.

Then the moment happened. You know how when you’re sitting in a position for so long that your leg begins to numb up so bad that you have to get up and stretch it? Yeah..of course in one of my moments of insecurity that would happen causing me to have to get up and stretch inevitably exposing my one-legged figure even more. I tried to fight it, but I had to get up. It was at the moment that I immediately wanted to hide. Grab my covers shove them over me, and hide. Errrrrrrrrrrr!!! Yet, why should I hide! I know I am not alone in my feelings where I let insecurities take over the truth of the matter. The truth is I am a person like any other who should completely accept me. I have come a long way, but I can never forget the beauty of who I am. In that moment I forgot. You may have a relapse as well, but know we have to get back up again! I got back up, and got my composure together because I refused to continue to hide. It’s hard for me, but I don’t desire nor will I give up.

This past week was great going to the ADA 21st Anniversary Celebration. I saw so many strong and passionate people, and being around a crowd like that can only motivate you to keep pushing towards the next level. I’m so blessed, and I’m so thankful for my life and the opportunities that are before me. I could have died a long time ago, but I constantly have to remember God choose me to live. Why? I may not completely know the answer to that, but what I continue to do with my life will show my appreciation. People first!

Consistency and Sustainability

When I was a baby I cried for no reason and did things without knowing the major consequences of my actions. In elementary school I was diagnosed with cancer that demanded a lot of attention and financial responsibility. As I continued to grow I went through numerous teenage stages that I know, at times, left me unbearable to be around. However, through all those situations my family never left me. My two best friends stuck by my side. How important is consistency and sustainability in your life? For me, it’s high priority. I take it very seriously because I know there will be times I will be the most annoying unbearable person to be around. Yet, I still need people in my life to help guide me through these phases, as I would for them. We just have to decide as individuals how much we are wiling to tolerate and for who do we raise our tolerance for?

Based off my last blog you know that I have been a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster however, my family represents stability and consistency in my life. They have put up with all the things I have put them through, and I have done the same for them because we’re worth it for each other. This past weekend was definitely a fulfilling and exciting time. My family was in town! It was a blessing to see my dad, mom, twin brother and older sister drive all the way from Texas and Kentucky to spend time with me. Texas is home for me, but I was born in Salisbury, Maryland about 3 hours outside of DC. It’s been years since we’ve been back, but being so close we took advantage of the opportunity to visit my old neighborhood. Driving down Salisbury roads I began reminiscing of my childhood memories. Rows and rows of corn, a pond, Ben, Brittany, Kevin, school buses, and 28260 Canterbury came to mind. I saw most of those memories and smiled knowing how they have deeply impacted my life.

We grew up about 45minutes from the ocean if we traveled to Ocean City, Md. I couldn’t wait to jump in and let the waters have me. As a young child I loved absolutely loved the water. However, as I got older and let vanity sink into me as I convinced myself I didn’t like swimming, public pools anything to that nature that gave me an excuse to keep my prosthesis on and scars covered. Yet, I no longer want to live in that fear and anxiety, I want to be free!! I had to start somewhere, so when I went to the ocean I walked with my head held high and my mind in the zone of happiness instead of fear.

People stared hard as I striped more than the clothes off my back but a body part so I could freely jump in the ocean, but I felt okay with their stares. They stared at a type of person they have never seen before, or even if they have because I look different than an average person they are used to. Yet, I can handle their stares because I have parents who look at me with the same love they do their other children. I am strong enough to handle excruciating looks that would cause others to live a life of self doubt because those close to me consistently showed me through their actions they can love and stay with me regardless of my disabilities or any faults I’ve possessed. Now that is not the only reason I’m strong, nor should it be others foundation of strength. It has to be a foundation of spiritual and intrinsic value you gain. However, the point of this blog is to express the difference consistency can make in one’s life. I strive to always be a person who stands by those I love through ups and downs because that’s what true character is. What about you?

Lessons of Love

Passion and love is something I always want to hold onto; never anger and resentment. This summer has been touching the essence of what it means to be Keri Gray on every level possible, including my love life. I have grown academically, personally, professionally and spiritually. Deep, right? However, I never thought it would affect me in the area of love.

Now may not be the best time to write this blog on how I feel about love because the way I felt two days ago has changes numerous times since up to today. However, I feel compelled to share in moments of confusion and inconsistency because I know at least one other person can relate to me.

I met a guy here in DC the very first day I was in town. I mean I was off the plane, put my things down in the apartment, socialized with my new roommates, and then out at a store I made a connection that would deeply impact my life. Our relationship moved very fast, but surprising I was okay with that. See I had always been a person to hold back tremendously out of fear of the unknown, but being that way never would lead me to being real with myself or the one I was with. When I came upon this new man who deep interested me, I choose to be different open up and trust as much as I could. We were happy. Yes, definitely had our arguments and definitely had our issues, but we were happy. That is until Friday.

It has been said everything happens for a reason. We live and we learn from all the actions that happen in our life. Then I have to ask the question, why was it necessary for me to learn the message so harshly? I feel blinded on what the message given to me is because a pain dwells within my chest so powerful that I can not see clearly. What should I do? What lessons on love have you learned? How did you get past the pain to see the message at the end of the road? This is where I am at on my emotional journey thus far…waiting.

Memories formed by the Harbor

The ocean’s waves, french fries with vinegar and great sea food are on my list of favorite things. This past Saturday I was able to experience a segment these things when my mentor and I traveled to Baltimore, Maryland to invest in each other’s company by the harbor through deep reflection, discussion and of course shopping!

As mentioned in my previous blogs I was born in Maryland, but I have not been back to visit for quite some time now. When I received an invitation from Andraea to travel to Baltimore I was ecstatic and touched. How many people truly set aside to time to build on their relationship? How many mentors make the time to truly mentor the one they’re with? I know I have one who does, and she sets the standards for me in the future.

Traveling by train and then transferring to a light rail we made it to our destination in about 30min. As soon as we stepped off the platform I felt the power of Ice Cubes lyrics “today was a good day!” I could feel that’s how it would turn out. Very casually we strolled down about two blocks and ran right into the Harbor. Beauty is the word I’ll use to describe it. Beauty because of its physical nature of water, and boats and tall building, but mainly beauty because in that moment we were creating a memory in both our lives we would never forget. Throughout the day we talked about love, loss, fears, relationships, spirituality, men and memories that have shaped us to who we are. This summer experience is something I will be forever greatful for because it continuously sets a precedent of standards that I want nothing more than to excel in. Yes, Saturday was a good day.

National Ball Park

I was raised in Texas, but born in Maryland. As a young child I have memories of going out to baseball games to watch various Minor League teams. Thoughts of popcorn, peanuts, hotdogs, cotton candy and so much more reminds me of those times many years ago. Even though I was never a sports person I always felt the atmosphere of a baseball game was one of the best sports environments to be in. With constant chants and songs such as “take me out to the ball game” it was hard not to feel very interactive with the game and connected to the team.

Even though I had attended a few games in some of my youngest years, I don’t know much about baseball, if at all. However, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend the Nationals double hitter baseball game Saturday July 2nd, Washington verses Pirates. The best way I know how to describe it for others who as well who aren’t informed about baseball, is basically it was like attending the “Super bowl” of Major League baseball, just a bit of a step up from the games of my childhood. I was excited because I haven’t been to a baseball game in awhile! Every metro stop was packed with people wearing some form of red or national t-shirts, and I was happy to be a part of the excitement. I walked in the stadium went up to the Verizon Box, where we were located right behind Home Plate. Amazing tickets! Attending a baseball game is just one of those experiences that if even if you’re not a fan I would recommend. Every second is filled with intensity and the crowd doing what they can to stay excited.

It was great being there with other AAPD interns. A special thank you to the sponsor who had tickets to spare because truly it was an amazing fun-filled experience, and can’t forget about the fireworks after the game that finished off the night well!

Should I Hide?

Saturday was a re-uniting of American Association of People with Disabilities interns to take of tour of the FDR Memorial. It was great seeing everyone again, and catching up on how those in the program were doing. Even more exciting was the work related stories that showed the professional journey we have all embarked. The FDR Memorial definitely seemed like an appropriate place for us to tour. After all, the most powerful person in the United States, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, had a very visible disability. I felt it would be an inspiring tour because FDR signifies that despite an individual’s difference in looks, specifically disability, they can be whatever they want in life. That is until I heard more of FDR’s story.

At the age of 39 former President Roosevelt contracted polio, where his main symptom was he lost the use of his legs. During his presidency most people did not know he was unable to walk, and that’s how he preferred it. It seems being his true self would undermine his strong political reputation and power. Thus he attempted to be known as something outside of a person with a disability. What type of lesson does that show us as AAPD interns? Should we hide instead of having pride?

Now my aim is not to disrespect a former President of the United States. There are a number of things that I admire about FDR term in office, however, when it comes to self identity it was saddening to see he couldn’t serve as a role model in that area. I don’t want to be a person to hide and ignores a fundamental description about me. My disability serves as a large part of my identity and serves as a connector between myself and a widespread community. Should we hide instead of having pride? Never!

Andraea LaVant

“Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to the people who prepares for it today.” – Malcolm X

For a number of reasons Malcolm X statement is one of my favorite quotes, but one reason in particular is that it seems to relate to the stage in life I am currently experiencing. I feel I am constantly learning through new experiences that push me forward each day. However, it is easy to get distracted from the preparation process. I think AAPD acknowledges those distractions and that’s part of reason they organized a mentor segment of the program. The mentor placed in my life is a true blessing to me. Excuse my informality, but Shout out to Michael Murray and Dana Fink because I was paired with the best person for me I feel! Andraea LaVant rolled into K&L Gates building looking extremely beautiful, strong, and determined to make a difference. At least that’s how I saw her. I was nervous because this was a person placed in my life to make a profound difference, and I had high expectations. In my eyes to agree to be a mentor means more than seeing your mentee every blue moon, or sending a couple emails. It means truly caring for what the other is experiencing and asking them how can I as an unforced and voluntary mentor enhance their journey. However, I was also nervous for it being an awkward experience where our personalities were so different it sparked no interest to keep contact. What if she saw nothing particularly unique about me? I would have felt unsuccessful in things I previously thought were accomplishments.

Yet, those thoughts soon became irrelevant. It was a matter of seconds common ground was established between two strangers; two strangers soon to become close partners for at the least a summer time. Sunday is the day we worship the Lord together and then spend time building upon my learning objectives for the summer. Yet, that isn’t what draws me to Andraea LaVant. It’s that she literally takes time out of her schedule on a weekly basis to see how I’m doing. Why? Why would someone be such a powerful influence on someone they have just come to know? I soon found the why isn’t nearly as important as the reaction that I have from her actions. I want to be just like her, truly making a difference by pushing the next person towards excellence on all folds of their life. I came to DC to learn, and not just to make my life better in the future but to help the next person along with tremendous opportunities. In Washington, DC I have been introduced to a true mentor who helps me on that path. I am growing on a weekly basis in her signature Academic, Personal, Professional and Spiritual method. The constant preparing I am taking advantage of over this summer is something I’m blessed to have an opportunity to do. However, this blog post is dedicated to the person who ensures I am not losing focus, the person who takes time out of their schedule to look into mine. A blessing in my life, Andraea LaVant.

What’s It Like, On the Hill?

Fascinating, intriguing, and like being on a ship. This summer I am blessed with the opportunity to work in a congressional office on Capitol Hill. Every morning Monday through Friday I wake up, get dressed, head towards the metro and take the Capital South exit. This is the place that as I step off the platform and take in a deep breath, I realize the air is filled with a political aroma and a desire to progress. Each of us interns are like fish in the pond longing to know what it’s like in the deep blue sea. I love it because it’s a fulfilling adventure. Sometimes I coast along the current, other times fight against it to stay on path, but never ever do I plan to abandon ship.

Currently my position could seem like a cabin boy, or girl in my case. I tend after the passengers and crew in their needs and desires. It is interesting because despite whatever task that is given to me it is a learning process. It’s a learning process to deal with situations I’ve never been in, adapt to completely different environment, and different types of people. What are most appealing are the people. Being in my position I have the opportunity to observe numerous details. Observation is what leads to more knowledge and thus more capabilities. Though my current role may be cabin girl, I have expectations to lead the ship in a way that positively influences all members of the crew. How can I do that though without understanding as many of their positions as possible? That is what Capitol Hill is doing for me; it is beginning to train me on all the aspects that politics has to offer. It is a cuddy to dwell in, however, with the burning desire I have inside of me I will make it an open place to as many as I can after me. Capitol Hill is my ship, my arena, and I will explore every possibility that is in my way.

Arriving to DC

For the majority of the time I have been a cancer survivor I lived with a feeling of incompleteness. That is 11 years…and the majority of it I had felt incomplete and unsatisfied with who I was as a person. Frankly, being a person of equal value didn’t seem like a relatable concept when it came to how I visibly stood out in a crowd. By having an artificial limb on my right leg after battling cancer it seemed unlikely that I would ever come to know how to live life to the fullest when I didn’t have the bodily function, or the image to do as most any other person can. However, through stages in my life and amazing support systems I continue to learn everyday that I am a Person First! And this person deserves and is entitled to living life to the fullest just as much as any!

This summer I have been blessed to receive an internship with the American Association of People with Disabilities. I was not sure what to expect, but what I have been receiving everyday opens my perceptions and exposes me to opportunities I never knew about. The benefits of being a part of an association, such as the AAPD, have touched me on a professional and personal level. All I want to do is share with others! The passion inside me that loves diversity and respects individuality of people yearns to learn how I can better advocate for those I represent.

However, I could not end this blog today without talking about the amazing people in Washington D.C. This is definitely a place of networking and constantly meeting new people. However, what I was not aware of was exactly how much I would enjoy the company of each person I have met. The stories everyone has of their lives are amazing and inspiring. Every person has a story and each time they’re shared we can truly take something valuable away from each other. If ever given the opportunity to do an internship, and especially an internship in DC you should take it! This will be a place that truly shows me the meaning of having respect for myself and being a Person First above being a disabled person.

Getting Lost in DC

Really it’s quite simple for a Texas girl, such as myself, to get lost in the city life of Washington DC. Texas is a large and beautiful state, where we believe in southern hospitality, stopping people and saying hello, and moving about in our own steady pace. Pretty contrasting when you hit the city life of Washington, DC. Everyone is on the move, walking at a pace that doesn’t allow for eye contact and a simple hello. Why is that? Networking is a big part of the DC area, so wouldn’t slowing down from time to time and just waving at a stranger be a part of the networking process? Evidently not so much. That is how we come across me getting lost in D.C.

With all the different twist and turns of the Capital I have fallen victim of being lost on the metro, national monuments, Chinatown, and at the job. It appears they make some places intentionally complicated and confusing for the entertainment of local citizens. However, Samuel Beckett wrote “My mistakes are my life.” As I am currently in DC and learning my way around, Beckett’s words signify that confusion and getting outside of one’s comfort zone is okay. Life is a process that regardless of what route is taken it is possible to make it through. I am continually learning the people here have their own methods of making life work in DC. They are not unkind because they don’t stop and say hello, but rather they are people walking full of purpose. With the vast amount of opportunity here it makes sense to have a determined walk that ensures keeping up with the movement. All the times I was lost there were a number of people who took one look at me and said, “newcomer where you headed?” I was used to Texas people laughing along side with me as we find our destination together, but DC is another beautiful experience of people very willing to share their past mistakes and instead point you in the right direction. It is a blessing to take my southern hospitality and learn to walk with it in purpose and unity.

Just as the Disability Movement states we are all People first. The faster everyone realizes this, the more accepting we can be of all be of our diversities. The original thought that something is wrong with DC, it is far to complicating is definitely not the case. People are just people, and although different from what I’m used to that is far from a bad thing. In fact, it should be that way because getting lost in D.C. is part of my growing process of following the best path.