Final Chapter

Wow! I cannot believe the summer in DC has come to an end. There are so many areas of our lives that have been affected by this one summer, and now it is time to take these lessons back home with us. For the longest I knew I was not alone in being a person with a disability, but I felt lost on how to accept what it meant to me- Keri Gray. I felt I didn’t have an example or people to talk to who have struggled with the things I’ve struggled with. That left me to figure things out on my own, which I was doing in a slower pace than necessary and with many relapses.

Then the opportunity to work in DC happened. Over the course of the summer I interacted with people who have such passion in obtaining equal rights for all. They visibly showed their scars as marks of beauty, and that’s all I desired to do. I gained strength and motivation this summer to never hide. Further, a gained doorway into a community that will always support me in direction I have taken in life. AAPD and Capitol Hill connected me to two communities that built on me personally and professionally, and I am forever grateful.

So what’s next for me? This will be my senior year in my undergraduate study at Abilene Christian University. I am very excited to graduate in May 2012 with B.A.’s in Political Science and Communications with a minor in Public Service. I am as well preparing to take the LSAT and apply to law school in the DC and Texas area. I am excited for all our futures! Though it is the final chapter of this summer, it is the beginning of a connection with many many people. I am excited to say I feel a part of the disability community, and hope to give back as much as they have graciously given me!

Fighting Insecurities

People first! The other day I had an encounter with someone who means a lot in my life. It showed me how far I have come, and just how much further I had to go.

I was very casually dressed in an over-sized t-shirt and some shorts doing some work on my laptop. I felt very comfortable and I knew nothing was about to disturb me because it was one of those day when I was casually laying in the bed doing some work with my prosthesis off laying in a corner. Until all of sudden there was a knock on my door. Absentminded, thinking it was one of my roommates I called out “come in.” However, it was not one of my roommates…it was someone who means a lot to me in my life, and yet has not seen this side of me. He glances over and see’s my prosthetic limb, and then comes straight over and begins telling me about his day like any other time. Yet, as he talks my mind is spinning of insecure thoughts. What does he think? This isn’t normal? He’s curious? He wants to ask me about my leg? Is he going to think its weird? Yet through those questions I knew I was okay. After calming myself down I was good.

Then the moment happened. You know how when you’re sitting in a position for so long that your leg begins to numb up so bad that you have to get up and stretch it? Yeah..of course in one of my moments of insecurity that would happen causing me to have to get up and stretch inevitably exposing my one-legged figure even more. I tried to fight it, but I had to get up. It was at the moment that I immediately wanted to hide. Grab my covers shove them over me, and hide. Errrrrrrrrrrr!!! Yet, why should I hide! I know I am not alone in my feelings where I let insecurities take over the truth of the matter. The truth is I am a person like any other who should completely accept me. I have come a long way, but I can never forget the beauty of who I am. In that moment I forgot. You may have a relapse as well, but know we have to get back up again! I got back up, and got my composure together because I refused to continue to hide. It’s hard for me, but I don’t desire nor will I give up.

This past week was great going to the ADA 21st Anniversary Celebration. I saw so many strong and passionate people, and being around a crowd like that can only motivate you to keep pushing towards the next level. I’m so blessed, and I’m so thankful for my life and the opportunities that are before me. I could have died a long time ago, but I constantly have to remember God choose me to live. Why? I may not completely know the answer to that, but what I continue to do with my life will show my appreciation. People first!

Consistency and Sustainability

When I was a baby I cried for no reason and did things without knowing the major consequences of my actions. In elementary school I was diagnosed with cancer that demanded a lot of attention and financial responsibility. As I continued to grow I went through numerous teenage stages that I know, at times, left me unbearable to be around. However, through all those situations my family never left me. My two best friends stuck by my side. How important is consistency and sustainability in your life? For me, it’s high priority. I take it very seriously because I know there will be times I will be the most annoying unbearable person to be around. Yet, I still need people in my life to help guide me through these phases, as I would for them. We just have to decide as individuals how much we are wiling to tolerate and for who do we raise our tolerance for?

Based off my last blog you know that I have been a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster however, my family represents stability and consistency in my life. They have put up with all the things I have put them through, and I have done the same for them because we’re worth it for each other. This past weekend was definitely a fulfilling and exciting time. My family was in town! It was a blessing to see my dad, mom, twin brother and older sister drive all the way from Texas and Kentucky to spend time with me. Texas is home for me, but I was born in Salisbury, Maryland about 3 hours outside of DC. It’s been years since we’ve been back, but being so close we took advantage of the opportunity to visit my old neighborhood. Driving down Salisbury roads I began reminiscing of my childhood memories. Rows and rows of corn, a pond, Ben, Brittany, Kevin, school buses, and 28260 Canterbury came to mind. I saw most of those memories and smiled knowing how they have deeply impacted my life.

We grew up about 45minutes from the ocean if we traveled to Ocean City, Md. I couldn’t wait to jump in and let the waters have me. As a young child I loved absolutely loved the water. However, as I got older and let vanity sink into me as I convinced myself I didn’t like swimming, public pools anything to that nature that gave me an excuse to keep my prosthesis on and scars covered. Yet, I no longer want to live in that fear and anxiety, I want to be free!! I had to start somewhere, so when I went to the ocean I walked with my head held high and my mind in the zone of happiness instead of fear.

People stared hard as I striped more than the clothes off my back but a body part so I could freely jump in the ocean, but I felt okay with their stares. They stared at a type of person they have never seen before, or even if they have because I look different than an average person they are used to. Yet, I can handle their stares because I have parents who look at me with the same love they do their other children. I am strong enough to handle excruciating looks that would cause others to live a life of self doubt because those close to me consistently showed me through their actions they can love and stay with me regardless of my disabilities or any faults I’ve possessed. Now that is not the only reason I’m strong, nor should it be others foundation of strength. It has to be a foundation of spiritual and intrinsic value you gain. However, the point of this blog is to express the difference consistency can make in one’s life. I strive to always be a person who stands by those I love through ups and downs because that’s what true character is. What about you?

Lessons of Love

Passion and love is something I always want to hold onto; never anger and resentment. This summer has been touching the essence of what it means to be Keri Gray on every level possible, including my love life. I have grown academically, personally, professionally and spiritually. Deep, right? However, I never thought it would affect me in the area of love.

Now may not be the best time to write this blog on how I feel about love because the way I felt two days ago has changes numerous times since up to today. However, I feel compelled to share in moments of confusion and inconsistency because I know at least one other person can relate to me.

I met a guy here in DC the very first day I was in town. I mean I was off the plane, put my things down in the apartment, socialized with my new roommates, and then out at a store I made a connection that would deeply impact my life. Our relationship moved very fast, but surprising I was okay with that. See I had always been a person to hold back tremendously out of fear of the unknown, but being that way never would lead me to being real with myself or the one I was with. When I came upon this new man who deep interested me, I choose to be different open up and trust as much as I could. We were happy. Yes, definitely had our arguments and definitely had our issues, but we were happy. That is until Friday.

It has been said everything happens for a reason. We live and we learn from all the actions that happen in our life. Then I have to ask the question, why was it necessary for me to learn the message so harshly? I feel blinded on what the message given to me is because a pain dwells within my chest so powerful that I can not see clearly. What should I do? What lessons on love have you learned? How did you get past the pain to see the message at the end of the road? This is where I am at on my emotional journey thus far…waiting.

Memories formed by the Harbor

The ocean’s waves, french fries with vinegar and great sea food are on my list of favorite things. This past Saturday I was able to experience a segment these things when my mentor and I traveled to Baltimore, Maryland to invest in each other’s company by the harbor through deep reflection, discussion and of course shopping!

As mentioned in my previous blogs I was born in Maryland, but I have not been back to visit for quite some time now. When I received an invitation from Andraea to travel to Baltimore I was ecstatic and touched. How many people truly set aside to time to build on their relationship? How many mentors make the time to truly mentor the one they’re with? I know I have one who does, and she sets the standards for me in the future.

Traveling by train and then transferring to a light rail we made it to our destination in about 30min. As soon as we stepped off the platform I felt the power of Ice Cubes lyrics “today was a good day!” I could feel that’s how it would turn out. Very casually we strolled down about two blocks and ran right into the Harbor. Beauty is the word I’ll use to describe it. Beauty because of its physical nature of water, and boats and tall building, but mainly beauty because in that moment we were creating a memory in both our lives we would never forget. Throughout the day we talked about love, loss, fears, relationships, spirituality, men and memories that have shaped us to who we are. This summer experience is something I will be forever greatful for because it continuously sets a precedent of standards that I want nothing more than to excel in. Yes, Saturday was a good day.

National Ball Park

I was raised in Texas, but born in Maryland. As a young child I have memories of going out to baseball games to watch various Minor League teams. Thoughts of popcorn, peanuts, hotdogs, cotton candy and so much more reminds me of those times many years ago. Even though I was never a sports person I always felt the atmosphere of a baseball game was one of the best sports environments to be in. With constant chants and songs such as “take me out to the ball game” it was hard not to feel very interactive with the game and connected to the team.

Even though I had attended a few games in some of my youngest years, I don’t know much about baseball, if at all. However, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend the Nationals double hitter baseball game Saturday July 2nd, Washington verses Pirates. The best way I know how to describe it for others who as well who aren’t informed about baseball, is basically it was like attending the “Super bowl” of Major League baseball, just a bit of a step up from the games of my childhood. I was excited because I haven’t been to a baseball game in awhile! Every metro stop was packed with people wearing some form of red or national t-shirts, and I was happy to be a part of the excitement. I walked in the stadium went up to the Verizon Box, where we were located right behind Home Plate. Amazing tickets! Attending a baseball game is just one of those experiences that if even if you’re not a fan I would recommend. Every second is filled with intensity and the crowd doing what they can to stay excited.

It was great being there with other AAPD interns. A special thank you to the sponsor who had tickets to spare because truly it was an amazing fun-filled experience, and can’t forget about the fireworks after the game that finished off the night well!

Should I Hide?

Saturday was a re-uniting of American Association of People with Disabilities interns to take of tour of the FDR Memorial. It was great seeing everyone again, and catching up on how those in the program were doing. Even more exciting was the work related stories that showed the professional journey we have all embarked. The FDR Memorial definitely seemed like an appropriate place for us to tour. After all, the most powerful person in the United States, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, had a very visible disability. I felt it would be an inspiring tour because FDR signifies that despite an individual’s difference in looks, specifically disability, they can be whatever they want in life. That is until I heard more of FDR’s story.

At the age of 39 former President Roosevelt contracted polio, where his main symptom was he lost the use of his legs. During his presidency most people did not know he was unable to walk, and that’s how he preferred it. It seems being his true self would undermine his strong political reputation and power. Thus he attempted to be known as something outside of a person with a disability. What type of lesson does that show us as AAPD interns? Should we hide instead of having pride?

Now my aim is not to disrespect a former President of the United States. There are a number of things that I admire about FDR term in office, however, when it comes to self identity it was saddening to see he couldn’t serve as a role model in that area. I don’t want to be a person to hide and ignores a fundamental description about me. My disability serves as a large part of my identity and serves as a connector between myself and a widespread community. Should we hide instead of having pride? Never!